From the Eyes of a Man

Love, Honor, and Cherish

2010-09-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

(Author unknown)
Love
Love has many different definitions, and we all love in different ways. However, think about some of these terms, and see how they fit your relationship.
• Adore
• Respect
• Admire
• Show affection
• Show devotion
• Find irresistible
• Unselfishness
• Loyalty
• Care
• Passion
• Tenderness
Honor
Do we really honor each other? To some extent, most couples do, but how much more could we honor our spouses if we really think about what this term means?
• Respect
• Admiration
• Integrity
• Deference
• To treat honorably
• To fulfill terms of an agreement (vows)
Cherish
To cherish someone is to love and honor them as much if not more than you love yourself. It is the most meaningful of the terms, in my opinion. People can love each other, or care for each other, without cherishing one another. If we truly cherish each other, how can we have anything but happy and lasting marriages?
• To keep first in one's mind
• To treasure another
• To value deeply
• To hold dear
• To prize above all else
• To treat with gentleness and tender care
• To esteem
• To appreciate
To treat with utmost importance

Love, Honor, Respect and Kindness

2010-09-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

Love Honor and Respect (Author unknown)
Love
Ah love, what needs to be said about love? So much is said today and has always been said about love. The circle of love is created by giving and receiving, these two people are committed to each other and to the full art of giving and receiving love, I could not ask for more for them. To them I say, nourish and treasure this love, because love is such a valuable and fragile gift. Not one to squander or "take for granted", a gift that without the full circle of giving and receiving would wilt like a beautiful flower without water. They say that love endures, but it is harder for it to last in an environment that does not include respect, honor and kindness.
The English language is so limited when it comes to the word love - the Inuit have over one hundred words for "snow". Yet, the meaning for the English word LOVE is so limited and love is so broad. It is not surprising that we mis-communicate on this subject.
We never know when love will strike us - sometimes it sneaks up on us over the years and sometimes it hits us suddenly, any way it comes, it is a gift. When combined with respect and kindness, it can last for ever.
Honor
We have heard of honor thy Mother and Father, we need to honor the one we love and trust to stand beside for the rest of our lives. Honor them by allowing them to be the best person they can be, by supporting their passion for life, by being there when they need someone.
Trust is a big part of honor, with love, honor, and respect there needs to be trust for your loved ones. Trust that they always have your best interest at heart, right next to their own best interest.
Respect
The best gift you can give your partner is to respect them and let them be all they can be. Most people believe Love is the most important factor in a marriage, however I disagree, I believe the most important thing in a relationship is respect for one another.
Show your loved one respect in all things, respect for their opinion, their wisdom, their judgment and who they are as a person. Remember that you married them because you value their judgment. As you walk down this road we call life - you will come to many forks and intersections, remember that their view of the world is valuable to the decision making. Listen to what your partner has to offer and honor that wisdom. Know that you now have someone who you can trust. When you argue about something - ah yes - it can happen. But when you do argue, take a minute to remember that the other persons' opinion is one you value and perhaps the answer is somewhere between your idea and their idea. Most importantly, find a way to respect both opinions.
Kindness
Please do not overlook the importance of kindness, treat your loved ones with kindness, remember that you often find it easier to hurt the one you love. But the fact is, you should treat the one you love KINDER than you would a stranger. I always thought the two most important words in relationship were "Yes Dear" and they are important. I had second thoughts when Peggy, one of my favorite new Brides, told me that the two most important words are "Please and Thank you" - oops, that's three and I have to agree!
It has been said that you should always be kind to strangers, because they could be an angel in disguise. Respect the one beside you and treat them well, because they could be your angel on earth.

Things in life that I hate...

2010-07-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Things in life I hate!
#1. I hate Verizon. I live in a small town that is apparently not up to par with 20th century technology. I have a phone provided by my work which uses Verizon’s service of which I have no control of. Because of their limited coverage, I have spent many days with my girlfriend being extremely angry and hurtful towards me. You see, my phone drops calls whenever it wants too and also will refuse to ring and go directly to voice mail if I am not in the coverage area for the moment. This coverage area could have worked perfectly three minutes ago, but now it is at zero bars. So, when I am fortunate enough to come back into coverage, I have a girlfriend accusing me of hanging up on her and ignoring her phone calls, with the ever too common yelling at me because of me asking “What?, Huh?, I can’t hear you?, etc…” during our phone calls. I have tried to explain to her that my phone service is the problem which is thrown back at me “Seriously?!! That excuse is getting really old!”…. I hate Verizon!
#2. In addition to Verizon, I hate ANY cell phone service. Come to think of it, I hate cell phones in general. Specifically any phone which allows texting/email/internet/pictures. I have lost and left many relationships because of cell phones.
#3. I hate Dish Soap. Specifically, the fact that they give no precise measurement within the directions of how much to dispense in a sink of water to do dishes. Apparently my interpretation of a “small amount” is different than my girlfriend’s interpretation. Apparently hers is correct and mine is not. I have had several arguments because of the amount of dish soap I use when washing dishes.
#4. I hate Facebook, Myspace, email, internet, or any other social networking site. See #2 above.
#5. I hate paydays. Each and every Friday I am reminded just how much I do not make to cover living expenses. I am reminded how a $4.95 purchase can put us in the hole. I am reminded that no matter how hard I work, it is never good enough. Each and every Friday like clockwork I lose a whole day of communication with my girlfriend due to anger and frustration because we can’t fix the problem.
#6. I hate Banks. See #5, this $4.95 purchase can send us into a tailwind of bank fees which further reminds me that no matter how hard I work, or how hard I try that I am incapable of providing for my family in the way that I wish was possible, and that it is never good enough. Because of these bank fees, I am left with more communication days lost with my girlfriend due to anger and frustration…
#7. I hate mail. I am scared to death to even check the mail (See #5 and #6) for fear of what bill is due, what bill is late, and the wonderful bank fee letter.
I realize they say “Money can’t buy you happiness”, but I must disagree. Money could not only buy me happiness, but allow me to communicate without feelings of hopelessness and despair. Money does not make me happy, but it would sure solve most of my problems. Because of Verizon, Cell phones, Facebook, Internet, Dish Soap, Paydays, mailbox, and Bank Fees I would estimate that I lose on average 10 days/month in lost communication due to anger, another 15 days/month in lack of communication, and 5 days/month worrying about the next ball to drop… Can I sue them for disruption of my life or pain and suffering?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference.

Please pray for me

2010-06-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

Please pray for me. Through my life experiences, I have developed a severe "inability to blindly trust" and have taken on a more Ronald Reagan'ish approach "Trust, but verify". This is causing me to live in a world where I feel as though the world is lying to me and finding proof, and it is a lonely existence full of broken promises and sadness. I would rather have an "I don't give a shit" attitude about what people do and let them be responsible for their own broken promises, morals, and deal with their own consequences. I want to be done being responsible for what others do to me or take on their responsibility. With God, I believe this is a possible scenario, but I do not know how to get there. I have lost my way.

How to know if a woman loves you

2010-06-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

“How to know if a woman loves you” was the item I googled yesterday. I have come to realize that I am an adult male who can read through anyone with every emotion except love. I am naive when it comes to knowing if I am loved. I’ve been in many relationships, but have rarely “felt loved”. Sure, they tell me they love me. When I ask them if they love me, they answer with “I’m still here, aren’t I?”. Isn’t there more to love than just announcing that you are present? Maybe I have a skewed vision of what I expect when love is in the air. I have these expectations of butterflies in the stomach. I am expecting her to look at me with glazed over eyes. I hope and long for her giggles at my stupid jokes. I am waiting in anticipation for random cuddles and hugs. I would love to get a love letter. And even more, I would be thrilled to have communication without yelling. I was expecting when a woman is in love with you that they would brag to their friends, “My man this, My man that…”. To end it all, why is there no feeling? You know that feeling that you have no doubt? The feeling that no matter what, they will not betray you? The feeling that when you are hurting, you know you can come to them? Where is it? The wedding vow itself is what I want…

"I, (Name),
Take you, (Name),
To be my (wife/husband);
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
'Till death do us part." (or, "As long as we both shall live.")
Or
"I, (Name),
Take you, (Name),
To be none other than yourself.
I promise to stand by your side;
To encourage you, and be open and honest with you;
To laugh with you, and cry with you;
To always love and honor you;
Both freed and bound by our love,
For as long as we both shall live."

I know for me, when I am in love with someone I long to see them. I can’t wait to look into their eyes. I shudder when I hear their voice. I will do anything and everything to make them comfortable. I tell them I love them all day long. I send letters. I send emails. I attempt to hug them. I make her my number one priority next to my daughter. I willingly sacrifice for them. I make their needs important. I dedicate songs. I give everything I am and everything I have to the relationship.
So, here I am……. Googling!!! Is that not pathetic or what? And here are the answers Google gave me. I will be paying special attention to these in an effort to see it. So, if anyone is interested, I did the research and am sharing it with you. “How to know if a woman loves you”. In my profession, Google has always been right.

* This one is from “me”. I would think that if a woman loves you they would be interested in what you had to say or write. My emails will be saved, letters will not be crumpled and thrown away, words will not be dismissed as "extreme".

* If a woman loves you she has the willingness to sacrifice. There are things that people will not do for anyone but the people that they love. Look for things that differentiate how your woman treats you and how she treats other people in her life. Are you one of the priorities? Do you come first before her friends? Does she do things for you that she would not do for other people? These are keys on how special you really are to her? Has she sacrificed some things just to be with you? These are the things that indicate just how special you are to her.

* Some women may not say much but they worry for the safety of the people they love. This is one way to know if a woman loves you. When what you do affects them in some way, this means that you matter in their lives. This is one of the most obvious signs of love in a person because you care enough to worry for their safety. You can tell if a woman loves you if she worries for your safety.

* Although jealousy may not necessarily be a good thing when you think about it, a hint of it is a sign that a person is into you. There is jealousy if a woman loves you. A dose of jealousy is actually healthy to a relationship as it validates feelings and reassures the partner that the other is afraid of losing you to someone else. Of course too much of it can also be detrimental. Learn to balance and solve jealousy issues immediately.

* She has eyes only for you. You can tell if your woman really loves you when many hunky and sexy men surround you but she doesn't take a second to even look at any of them. She gives you her full attention by showing eye contact, smiling and facing her body towards you.

* She answers your calls. You know if a woman is interested when she answers your calls every time. It is a wonderful sign if she also answers the phone by the second ring. You may find yourself spending hours on the phone talking and giggling with her about life.

* She flirts with you. You can tell if she loves you when she constantly laughs at everything you say, touches you frequently and gives you that special look of love.

* You will know if a person loves you if he/she will do everything just to make you smile in every single way.

*You will know if someone loves you if he/she sacrifices his/her own emotions just to make you happy.

* You will know if someone loves you he/she Shows his care for you through actions not through words.

* You will know if someone loves you if he/she accepts you know matter who you are wholeheartedly.

* She does things for you. She invests energy in pleasing and making you feels happy. For example, she will bake you cookies, invite you over for dinner or offers to rub your back.

* Only way you know someone loves you is by how much sacrifices they will put up to make you happy. Being unselfish, caring about you more then himself. It goes both ways though. If everyone thought of what would make their lover's happy instead of what makes them happy, they'll be a overflow of love. Love is sacrifices.

* I believe and feel if a man or woman loves you they wouldn't do anything to hurt you. And knowing we all are imperfect I feel that if a problem was acknowledged that that person would come together with unconditional love and work this out. They would appreciate you for your worth and help you when you are in the need of them. Love is not thinking to ones self " what is this going to do for me", but will say or think "what can I do to help this person I love". But when you get people who are always thinking about themselves all the time. That is not real true love. And a person must be worthy of love as well. Some don't know how to love and leave you bitter for the next person who you try to love.

* You can see from her eyes, body language and her attention to you.

* If there's a slight doubt in your mind that he / she doesn't love you back then he / she hasn't convinced you enough and therefore doesn't love you enough to make you believe how he / she feels.. therefore maybe doesn't feel that way at all. Its not about you knowing if he / she loves you it's about him / her making you believe in it.

* Also, that person welcomes you into his/her life, trusts you, treats you with respect, and is not mean to you.

* If you can't feel it chances are it ain't there. Time is precious. Tell them how you feel. They should then admit, commit or quit....

• Whenever you compliment her, her cheeks turn pink. If she blushes when you are around, it means she is smitten by you.

• She shows public display of affection. Women are not always comfortable with showing affection in public. But if she runs her fingers through your locks, or strokes your cheek, take notice.

• The way she looks at you with those dreamy eyes, is a dead give away that she likes you.

• Check out her body language when you sit with her. If she sits with cross legs facing you, it means she is interested in you. Also, if she touches your shoulders or rests her palm on yours, it is a sign that she likes you.

• When going out with you, she takes extra care to look good. She adds sensuality to her whole outfit combined with simplicity and elegance.

• The way she smiles and laughs at your jokes is a sign that she likes you.

• She pays extra attention to you and takes interest in the activities you do, it means she definitely has a soft corner for you.

• While talking to her friends and family, if she brags about you, know for sure that you are definitely someone special for her.

• If she talks to you for long hours and avoids calls from her friends during the time of conversation, know for sure that you are being given more importance than others, which is a direct road to being loved.

• If she always encourages you to go forward with your plans and chips in good advice for you to move ahead in personal and professional life, she is definitely an ideal lover.

• If she wants to spend some extra time with you and help you in all ways possible, it means she is in love with you.

• The willingness to sacrifice is a clear cut answer to know if she loves you or not. She would go that extra mile to make you happy, even if that means sacrificing her hobby.

• Although the feeling of jealousy is not good, sometimes healthy jealousy gives hint that the other person is afraid of losing you and has feelings for you.

• Worrying about your safety and whereabouts is one thing through which women often show their love and care. If your girl feels in the same way, know for sure you are her special one.

• During a conversation with you, if she blinks her eye, know that the girl in question is trying to give you hints.

I am a Knight in Shining Armor

2010-06-15T14:35:00.001-07:00

I am a knight in shining armor. I ride up to my princess on my noble steed. I am here to give her aid, protection, love, support, guidance, committment. Although, one would say to this knight.
"Your breath stinks of cigarettes under your helmet"
"Your armor is not very shiny, kinda dull, maybe you should clean it"
"You need a new armor because this one is all dinged up and looks kinda stupid"
"You know, you look like a dork knight wearing those socks with your armor"
"Your steed is not very fast, and it limps"
"The other knights I have read about are much better looking than you are"
"The other knights also have more confidence, you are kinda a wimp and should man up a little"
"I can't wait to show everybody on youtube or facebook how stupid you looked when you fell off your saddle"
"You're a joke, you are not a real knight, my girlfriends knight is so much better the way he gives her that look of confidence that makes her melt, so sexy"

Ok, I get it.... I am not a perfect knight. My steed (Which represents my path or journey in life) has been through a lot and is still fighting to stand. My armor (Which represents my morals, values and ethics) is not pretty because I have fought many battles, and overcome them with the help of my armor. Without my armor I would not be writing this now.

But what is this knight to do? Perfect or not. The point is only this, I willingly mounted my noble steed, and donned my armor and risked rejection to come to your side. My steed may not be perfect, but it is all that I have. My armor may not be pretty, but it is all that I have. Inside the armor is a heart that beats and bleeds, for I am human. Perfect or not, I give all of this to my damsel in distress. I am a knight in shining armor and I am proud of who I am! Can you not overlook the flaws and see the genuinely beautiful person inside?

Please Lord, please don't let me die like Lucas!

2010-05-18T12:19:00.001-07:00

There is a song sung by Mac Davis called "Lucas was a Redneck". I heard this song back when I was a child, and it has following me ever since. I would say this song defines my very existence. To me, this song is about a young man who never lived past the expectations of others. When he was born, he was expected to fail and never did anything positive and succumbed to the assumptions of others. He died alone, disrespected, unloved, uncared for, and died a joke. He was never taken seriously, and his emotions and feelings went unnoticed and made trivial.

I decided very young in life that I do not want to die like Lucas. My goal has always been to live past the expectations of others. I too, like Lucas share a very similar past and many people assumed I was worthless and would never amount to anything. I am determined to gain acceptance, relevance, importance, and respect from others with my words and actions. I am devoted to becoming a person who others do not consider irrelevant or a joke to someone, anyone other than myself. I am vigilant in fighting the expectations of others and to achieve success. I do not define success with money or posessions, but the acceptance of others. This is a struggle I continue to achieve each and every day of my existence, and am no where close to my goal.

Please Lord, do not let me die like Lucas!

LUCAS WAS A REDNECK by Mac Davis

Lucas was a redneck through and through
Drinkin' and fightin' was all the boy knew
Born with a corncob in his mouth
In Tupelo Mississippi way down south

His daddy died drunk with a belly fulla rum
His mama died waitin' for a miracle to come
People said
The boy's born to be a bum

Hangin' around with the rest of the riff-raff
Down at the pool hall on Main Street
Wearin' a red bandana and a sweaty ol' straw hat
Union-All coveralls, dirty bare feet

One half stupid and the other half dumb
Born to live and die in a sharecropper's slum
People said
The boy's born to be a bum

Who's gonna cry when ya die, Lucas
Who's gonna miss ya when you're gone
Will it be the black man you call the nigger
The hippie that'cha beat up just 'cause you was bigger
Will the riff-raff laugh at the epitaph on your tombstone
Betcha says "Here lies Lucas, born to be a bum...
...Died like his daddy with a belly fulla rum"

Now who's gonna cry when ya die, Lucas
Who's gonna miss ya when you're gone
Will it be the black man you call the nigger
The hippie that'cha beat up just 'cause you was bigger
Will the riff-raff laugh at the epitaph on your tombstone
I'll Betcha says "Here lies Lucas, born to be a bum...
...Died like his daddy with a belly fulla rum"

UHHHHHHHH!

Goodbye, Lucas...

You are my puppet..... NOT!

2010-04-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

“If you are not working on your marriage, you are working on your divorce.” – Author Unknown”

One of my favorite quotes, although as written it pertains to marriage, I like to think of it when I think about relationships in general. I believe a relationship takes hard work and consistency to build that relationship of trust, commitment, and understanding. Unfortunately, there must be two people in the same relationship willing to work.

I went into my “neighborhood” (See my previous blog about “Who are the people in my neighborhood” to understand what I mean by that.) and got so angry that I needed to write it down. My “neighborhood” reminded me of how controlling I am. They did this by giving me a flashback of many of my failed relationships and how those women labeled me as “controlling” without taking any responsibility or accountability for their actions. This infuriated me and I needed to write down my side of the argument.
Through my years, I have heard women say they want a confident man and one who shares their feelings with her. I call bullcrap! I have found that the only feelings they want to hear are the ones that benefit them or allow them to continue inappropriate behavior within a relationship at the expense of my own morals, values, ethics, heart and soul. How dare me bring up a feeling of disappointment, displeasure, jealousy, hurt feelings, or sadness because of the actions they did. How dare me admit when I am sad, lonely or hurt. When my feelings are expressed, I get defensive talk back and humiliating chants of “Quit trying to control me!” or “Quit being so sensitive”. So, in essence, I am expected to sit down, shut up and allow people to walk all over me. Please! So, they want me to express my feelings? About what? The weather? Anything else and I am weak?
Let me explain my train of thought and why I do not believe I am controlling, yet I have established boundaries on my existence that I will not allow to be crossed.
Boundary #1. Infidelity – When I am in a committed relationship, I give and demand monogamy. This includes physical, emotional, and verbal monogamy.

What do I consider infidelity?

* Physically having a sexual relationship from kissing to sex with another person (man or woman) outside of the relationship.
* Verbally teasing, chatting, emailing or sexting in an inappropriate manner with another person (man or woman) outside of the relationship.
*Sharing your sexual desires, intimate thoughts, or fantasies with another person (man or woman) outside of the relationship.

In more than three of my failed relationships, I had women who chatted with other men online, secretly called and accepted calls from, texted other men using their phone, and eventually physically cheated on me with other men. When I found out, and demanded them to stop, they had the balls to tell me I am trying to control them or invading their privacy! So, let me get this straight, they feel like I am trying to control them because I try to stop inappropriate behavior that is damaging our relationship, causing me hurt feelings, in an attempt to salvage the relationship is “controlling”? Please! I have no problem with them having friends, sharing a movie, sharing a laugh, talking, chatting, etc… but I expect them to respect the relationship as their #1 priority. If not, why the hell did they waste my time and my life? I am 43 years old, and half of my life is gone, and thanks to them I gave up many years of my life in their investment. I find these women to be immature, incapable of a committed relationship, selfish, heartless, and cruel. I am thrilled they are no longer with me, yet unfortunately they moved into my “neighborhood”. Regrettably, I myself have went down that path before after being cheated on, and am not proud of it. I lowered myself to their level. So I know I’m capable, I’ve seen me do it but I have never been the first to stray. Oh yeah, that relationship was a bust too… I figured “What is good for the goose, is good for the gander”… Didn’t fix my heart.

Boundary #2. Respect – When I am in a committed relationships, I give and demand respect. What do I consider examples of respect?
*If you tell me you are going to do go to a friends house, yet end up at a bar instead on more than one occasion, this is to me disrespectful. I need to be able to trust someone that they will do what they say they will do. I am willing to do the same, I do what I say I am going to do. Is this controlling to expect someone to not lie to you and do what they said they were going to do?
*If you tell me you are going to be home at 6:00 and 10:00 comes around and I haven’t received a phone call telling me you are ok , this is also disrespectful to me. I actually sit around the house worrying if you are ok. Is this controlling to expect a phone call, so I do not worry?
*If you promise me something, yet break your promise. This is very disrespectful to me. Don’t make a promise you can’t keep. Am I controlling to expect this person not to lie to me or betray my trust?

Ok, maybe I don’t have as many boundaries as I thought, but bottom line. The important factors for me in a relationship are: Monogomy, trust, and commitment. Without these three things in a relationship with me, it will fail. I promise it will fail because I have seen it happen.

For me to expect a woman in a relationship with me to be monogamous, not tell lies, not be deceptive, put priority in our relationship, and respect my feelings as I respect hers is not too much to ask and definitely is not being controlling. Tell me, does this exist anymore? Where is the value within relationships anymore?

If anything, I was never controlling, I was fighting for a worthless relationship with inconsiderate people that I shouldn’t have been with in the first place and that I should have let go of long before I got hurt.

Whipped Puppy

2010-04-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

A whipped puppy.

I hear all the time from my girlfriend that I need to stop acting like a “whipped puppy”. I have been called a “martyr” and a “victim”. This got me to thinking, along with a recent conversation she and I had regarding victims of child sexual, emotional, and physical abuse pertaining to others. Of course, what I am about to write does not pertain to 100% of the victims, but I would be willing to bet it affects most of that percentage.

We are easy to build up, but in just one word or action, you can tear our whole world apart. We have hearts that beat because of the people we have in our lives. We are pleasers. When we disappoint others, and they point it out to us it causes us pain. Living in our world, we constantly sought acceptance and love, but were punished instead. All we wanted was for the pain to stop. In our adult lives, we still seek the acceptance, love, and desire of others. We are looking for an existence, not to be walked on, invisible and irrelevant. By doing so, we gain self-esteem. We will put our own wants/needs/desires second in line to meet the needs of our partners. We do this to find favor in their hearts. You can bring our confidence to a very high level with a simple “Thank you”, “I love you”, “I appreciate you”, or a hug. But, to belittle us, put us down, dismiss us, or ignore us puts us in a really dark place which is hard to get out of. To betray our trust is the worst thing you could do to us, because we are fighting each and every day to find someone that will love, honor, and respect us as people and not treat us how we worked so hard to get out of. Many psychologists have labeled this as “Co-Dependence”, but I personally believe that if more people were co-dependent this world would be a much better place. I do not consider myself weak, nor a “victim or martyr”. I consider myself a gentleman who loves, honors, and respects his mate. I do not wish my mate to feel pain, or have her feelings hurt, or stress alone, or feel unattractive and unwanted. I would gladly give my life for my family, along with placing my coat over a puddle to keep their feet dry. I am not looking for sympathy, only acceptance, understanding, and equal respect and giving. Codependent or not, when one tries really hard to something nice for the other person, and the other person yells at you, condemns you, or dismisses you, anyone (Codependent or not) will bow their heads like a “whipped puppy”. We do not enjoy being whipped, victims, or martyrs so quit treating us as such. Give us a chance, and you would be amazed at how confident we can become. Give us the same love, attention, desire, respect, and recognition of our wants and needs and you will have a relationship only dreamed about in books.

According to an article I researched and found talked about on http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cod.html from Edmund J. Borne, he stated "Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others)."

Sounds bad, huh? It would be if only one sided, but what if both partner’s were co-dependent? In my opinion life would be much more enjoyable. To hear psychologists talk about co-dependency as a problem, seems to indicate that they would be happier if the world was filled with heartless, inconsiderate, selfish, self-loving assholes who could care less about anything other than their own needs. How is that a relationship? How cruel is that to treat another human being who loves you? We are not “whipped puppies”, we are looking for the same love and acceptance we give others. What is good for the goose, is good for the gander. We are worthy. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Further quoting from website, I wish I could have said it better myself. But this man hit the “nail on the head” with my thinking. I approve of this message!

“Dr. Bourne offers us a questionnaire to complete to see if we are "dealing with co-dependency issues." Lets look at them one at a time:

1. If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should do it.
I don't hop whenever someone says hop. But if, say, God expects something of me (and he's certainly important), I believe I should do it. Okay, I'll leave God out of it. What about my wife, Joyce. Should I meet her every expectation? For starters, I can't do it. But on the other hand, I care about her. I want to do what I can to meet her needs, and avoid doing things that make her unhappy. She's not a princess and I'm not a slave, but she's important to me and I try to do what she expects of me. So if the person is as important as Joyce, I guess my answer to the first question is, "yes," with the qualifier, "try to do it."

2. I should not be irritable or unpleasant.
I know how people affect me when they're irritable or unpleasant. I want to head for the hills. So if I am concerned about how I affect other people, particularly Joyce, who has to live with me, I should protect her from my unpleasant tendencies, particularly my angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. Those Love Busters can wreck our relationship in no time if I let them run amok. So my answer to this statement is "yes."

3. I shouldn't do anything to make others angry at me.
Well, let's see. What are some of the things I do that make others angry with me. I show them disrespect by interrupting them when they are talking, I point out their faults and failures, I get angry with them ... Yes, there are many things I've done that make others angry at me. When I am counseling, I can do some of them without my client feeling anger. They seem to expect me to point out their short-comings. In my years of counseling, very few clients have ever reported feeling angry with me.

But in my marriage, it's a different story. I firmly believe that when Joyce is angry with me, I had something to do with her experience. Because I don't want to do things that hurt her or upset her, I regret doing it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe that my mistakes justify an angry outburst on Joyce's part. She needs to protect me from her abusive behavior just as I need to protect her from mine. But if she feels anger toward me, I have done something that has annoyed or offended her, and should try to avoid it if I can. Another "yes" if it applies to Joyce, and a qualified "yes" regarding most other people.

4. I should keep people I love happy.
This gets to the core of what life in general, and marriage in particular, is all about. Why am I here, anyway? I chose psychology as a career partly because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I specialized in marriage counseling because I found so many people in miserable marriages, and I thought I could help.

When I married Joyce, I wanted to make her happy. I know, we can't "make" anyone happy. Everyone has a huge role to play in their own happiness. But at least I wanted to try to meet her emotional needs, and I expected her to meet mine. And I wanted to avoid hurting her, just as I expected her to avoid hurting me. We both believed that we had a responsibility to each other to try to make each other happy, and avoid making each other unhappy.

I'm aware of the downside of trying to make people happy. If they turn all responsibility for their happiness over to us, we end up carrying a crushing load. But most people don't do that. It's only in unhealthy relationships that one person sucks the life out of the other. I'll get into that subject after we're done with the questionnaire, but with that qualification, my answer to this statement is, "yes."

5. It's usually my fault if someone I care about is upset with me.
This goes back to statement #3, that has to do with how I affect people. From a philosophical level, I think we can all agree that if someone is upset with us, we had at least something to do with their reaction. Whether or not we could have avoided it depends on all sorts of things, but even if we couldn't avoid it, it's still partially our fault. The word "usually" helps me answer this one with a "yes."

6. I obtain self-esteem out of helping others solve their problems.
What is self-esteem, anyway? It's feeling good about ourselves, feeling that we're okay. Getting back to my earlier question about the meaning of life, what do I have to feel good about? That I exist? No. I don't give myself any credit for my existence. I feel good about the choices I make and what I can do -- primarily for others. If I can't do anything for someone else, I'm certain I'd have no reason to have self-esteem.

Self-esteem is not something that I need in order to be productive. It's being productive that gives me self-esteem. It's what comes after we do something, not before. And what we do for self-esteem can't be just anything. It must be what we value. Of the things I do, what do I value the most? I'm afraid I fail the co-dependency test again. I value most what I do for others. So that means that the more I help others solve their problems, the better I feel about myself. I'm afraid this statements gets a "yes."

7. I tend to overextend myself in taking care of others.
Definitely, "yes."

8. If necessary, I put my own values or needs aside in order to preserve my relationship with my significant other.
We're talking about Joyce. This is a trick question because one of my values is to preserve my relationship with her at all costs. It is impossible to put that value aside, and still try to preserve my relationship with her. But I will assume that this statement refers to other values, and again I answer "yes."

9. I have a hard time receiving things from others.
I'd rather give than receive, if that's what the question is getting at. But I don't mind it when Joyce meets my needs. In fact, I expect her to meet my needs. So for the very first time, I will answer one of these statements with a "no."

10. Fear of someone else's anger has a lot of influence on what I say or do."
I'm one of those odd ducks that don't experience fear very often, so my answer to this one is also, "no." But I should add that people's anger does influence me, especially when it's Joyce's anger. But it is not fear that I experience, rather sadness that I did something to disappoint her.

After completing all these questions, I'm told by Dr. Bourne that if I answered three or more of these statements with a "yes," I am likely to be dealing with chemical dependency issues. What does eight "yes" responses mean? I must be a basket case!

As I read on in his article, I discover that:

"The consequences of maintaining a co-dependent approach to life is a lot of resentment, frustration and unmet personal needs. When these feelings and needs remain unconscious, they often resurface as anxiety -- especially chronic, generalized anxiety. The long-term effects of co-dependency are enduring stress, fatigue, burnout and eventually serious physical illness."
Is it too late? Have I been co-dependent too long to avoid these terrible consequences? Reading these predictions would put most people into a panic, but, remember, I don't experience fear or anxiety very often.

Wait just a minute! If I'm co-dependent, why don't I experience fear very often. Why is anxiety one of my least-felt emotions. After all, since I am so very co-dependent, you'd think that I would be a bundle of jangled nerves. But I'm not. I'm none of those things that Dr. Bourne says co-dependent people are.

I'm clearly co-dependent (most of those who know me well would attest to that), but I have no anxiety problems whatsoever. And no problems with depression, either. In fact, I am inexplicably happy. And neither my wife nor I have any chemical dependency issues, either. We are in love with each other, and have a great marriage.

Pity the poor person who has an anxiety disorder. Or more to the point, pity that person's spouse. The solution to "chronic, generalized anxiety" is to

not do what others's expect,

be as irritable and unpleasant as you wish,

make people angry with you,

don't try to make the people you love happy,

don't blame yourself when someone you care for is upset with you,

gain self-esteem from what you do for yourself, rather than what you do for others,

don't ever care about others so much that you overextend yourself,

maintain your values and needs even if it means ruining your marriage,

take from others whenever you can, and

don't let someone else's anger deter you from your objectives.

A formula for sociopathic behavior if I've ever seen one. You go in with anxiety and come out a terrorist!
If you want to know the truth, co-dependent beliefs and behavior do not lead to anxiety. They lead to healthy, happy marriages. Joyce and I am living proof.”

A day at the beach

2010-04-11T15:35:00.002-07:00

A Day at the Beach (Written years ago)

It was a beautiful day at the beach. The sun was shining. The water was warm. Many other people were enjoying the warm summer day. As I was looking over the water, my eyes came across a man thrashing and screaming for help! His screams became louder, “Help me! Help me!”. I ran to the water as fast as I could, jumped into the crashing waves and began swimming in his direction. No one else on the beach attempted to help, as if they were ignoring him or could not hear him. The man in the water was going under and resurfacing with his arms splashing the water. I yelled to him, “Hold on, I am coming!”. The harder I swam, the further he seemed to get from me, yet I struggled to continue. In a time that felt like hours, I was beginning to get closer to him. I saw his face. He looked so familiar to me. “Please Hold on!” I yelled. I watched him go under the water and resurface again. As I neared him, his thrashing became less and he was crying. He looked like me! I looked back towards the beach, and still no one had come to assist me. I finally reached him and grabbed for him, but he escaped my grasp and went under the water. I searched frantically for him for as long as I could, but he never resurfaced. Exhausted and with no one to assist me in my search, I swam and floated back towards the beach. Children were playing, people were laughing and enjoying their day. As I lay in the sand, I noticed a bottle with a note inside. I broke open the bottle and a letter was inside, written in my own handwriting. The note read “Remember me always, for I am your soul. I have lost all my strength. Beware!”

The Prayer within me.

2010-04-11T15:35:00.001-07:00

The Prayer within me. (Written years ago)

Dear Lord,

What is wrong with me?
What do people see?
I see a person,
or at least I hope to be.
Why do people hate me?
Am I doing something wrong?
I can't change for them,
but I am tired of being alone.
I need someone to help me,
but to whom shall I turn?
They laugh at me, so I run.
My heart is aching, inside I bleed.
No one cares about my needs.
I am not an animal, so why am I caged?
This is why I rebel and am so enraged.
I need to be loved and accepted,
not tossed out and neglected.
Without anyone with me in this world, I am so scared.
Please help them understand, please make them aware.
Please watch over me, until you take me home.
Until then, please don't leave me alone.

The Joker

2010-04-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

The Joker (Written years ago)

I was thinking about the world and all it’s surroundings.
I was thinking about the people and all their belongings.
Is it real? Or just an illusion in someone’s mind?
Are we just pawns in someone’s game?
Put into this existence for someone’s pleasure?
To love to live,
to live to die?
To hope to laugh,
To learn to cry?
Hoping for truth,
Given a lie?
Longing for love,
Feelings of shame?
Nothing to lose,
Nothing to gain?
Longing for pleasure,
Living in vain.
I hope this person is watching and enjoying his game.
Why fight it?
The joker is wild, I am in pain.

Who are the people in my neighborhood?

2010-04-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

Who are the people in my neighborhood?

Many people have said “I wish I could have half your brain” or “I wish I could suck out your brain into mine” to me, to which I replied almost every time “My mind is like a bad neighborhood, I never go in there alone”. The truth is, I go into my brain every single day alone, and it is not a fun place to be or live. I have been hesitant to share my thoughts with many people in fear of responses like “Oh, you are just looking for pity” or “You are a martyr, always go to the extremes” or “It’s not me who causes you to feel like this, so stop it!”. I am not looking for pity, I am looking for understanding, compassion, caring, reassurance, acceptance, love, and truth! So, I am taking a large risk of faith in describing the “bad neighborhood” I live in. I am hoping for understanding, but expecting rejection.
I live each and every day with a fake smile on my face, hoping for the one day where I no longer can pretend and actually feel like smiling. I am looking for the day when I can once again hold my head up high with confidence in knowing that I am important to someone other than myself. I want the feeling of knowing that I am loved, accepted, and significant.
I am so frustrated and angry with myself. I am 43 years old, and was hoping that my life would move forward, not backward. I am frustrated because I was expecting contentment to come with age, knowledge, and experience. Unfortunately, as I get older the experiences of abandonment and lies have just added to my pain. Apart from my disastrous childhood, my adulthood has not turned out much better. I often have a quote that “Something is wrong with my picker”. Being a young adult, I vowed that I would never live the life I lived as a child. I vowed that I will no longer allow myself to be placed in that situation. Yet, historically I broke my own vows. I have placed myself many times back in the same experiences I lived in.
My love life has historically been a disaster. My ex-wife claimed she loved me and that I was the best that ever happened to her, yet she cheated on me with at least five different men prior to leaving me for another man in another state all under the guise of chatting with “friends”. She has not been the only one. I have had several other relationships where the women claim I am wonderful and profess their love to me, yet leave me for other men and women. Is it me? Well, yes it was my fault because I picked them! They filled me with lies and professions of love and promises of committment, humiliated me, hurt me, and eventually abandoned me. If this was just one, two, or three women, I could maybe chalk it up to bad choices. But all of them? This is my fault! I picked them! “Something is wrong with my picker”. Can you see my frustration? I went into each one of these relationships with the idea that my wants, needs, and desires would be just as important as her wants, needs, and desires. I went into those relationships feeling as though I had something to give them that they wanted. I wanted to feel wanted and loved. Inevitably, I turned out to be their stepping stone to better relationships. I started out so strong, so confident, yet now I have turned into a weak, unconfident man full of self doubt and self hate. I know what I am looking for in a mate, and I have tried desperately to find them. But, I end up settling for people that do not even come close to matching my wants, needs and desires. To my face they would tell me they loved me, but behind my back they would love and lust after others. They would tell me the words, but were incapable of showing me the actions. After my last relationship, I once again made a vow to myself of “NEVER AGAIN”. I am in a current relationship where I hope and pray I picked right this time. I think I did, but am so scared. Even now, my demons interfere with my ability to feel. I feel so insignificant, unappreciated, unworthy, and invisible. I want to feel as though someone is happy that I am in their life. I want to feel as though I make a difference. I understand it is not someone else’s job to fix me and I need to fix this myself. But I do not know how. This is my “neighborhood” that I live in.
My work is no better, I have been told for years that I am wonderful, the best there is, the “hammer”, accountable, professional, etc… Until recently I found out others have been told the same thing. I have been passed over for promotions. I have been removed from accounts. Words no longer mean anything to me, I need action. Instead of building trust, I am trusting no one.
So, living inside my head is not a fun place to live. I live with constant rejection, humiliation, embarrassment, and judgment. Each and every one of the people in my “neighborhood” tell me I am unlovable, unworthy, being lied to, being cheated on, being laughed at. I try to fight off these thoughts, yet life seems to show me proof. So, the next time anyone wants to suck my brains you are welcome to them. If anyone wants to ask me “What are you thinking”, know that I am most likely thinking “Nobody loves me, nobody cares, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to touch me, I want someone to acknowledge me, I want someone to publicly acknowledge me, I want someone to make love to me, I don’t want anyone to cheat on me either physically or emotionally, I don’t want anyone to hurt me, I don’t want anyone to lie to me, I don’t want anyone to go behind my back, and I want the truth!”. The key to helping me is don’t tell me “words”, show me action that back the words and please do not betray my trust. Here’s hoping I get my confidence back. Once again, this is not a pity party. I am not looking for sympathy. I am sharing my “neighborhood” with you and how difficult it is to live with.
Keep smiling….

A King and Queen

2010-04-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am NOT a man who thinks a man is better than a woman, we are different and have different roles in our children's lives. I consider myself a prince. I am nurturing, loving, caring, passionate, considerate, hard working, honorable, trustworthy, and a man... although I feel as though sometimes it is a sin to be a "man" anymore... Here goes.... In my opinion, one of the problems with today’s society is they make being a “princess” unrealistic… when the truth is society has taken the “princess” out of the equation by accepting and condoning men laying/marrying men and women laying/marrying women. The “roles” are no longer defined, and the prince will never come because he must come on a PINK pony… Men are made to be “sensitive” and women are made to be man-haters. God has been also taken out of the equation and replaced by “feelings”. Children are no longer taught to rely on others, but to be selfish and “look out for number one”. TRUST is never established. PARTNERSHIP is never taught. “I don’t need a man” and “I don’t need a woman” are the new teachings…. A king NEEDS a queen, and a queen NEEDS a king for the natural order of things to manifest. A child NEEDS a mother AND a father in order to develop into a princess or a prince. They need guidance from their King and Queen. Given the opportunity, I could easily be the prince to take my princess into OUR kingdom to rule our people with love, honor, and respect. Two KINGS cannot rule a kingdom, nor can two QUEENS. Children need the guidance of a manly role and a feminine role. And the King and Queen must know their own role and EQUAL importance of their roles. Note: Just one “prince’s” opinion…. I love my queen above all others, and would protect my queen and my kingdom to the death if necessary. I will teach my "princess" what a true prince should be.

Why am I the black sheep of the family?

2009-06-05T13:49:00.000-07:00

I am wondering what it will take to finally be accepted into my family. I have tried so hard, yet I remain the "black sheep" of the family. At least that is how I feel.

Granted, I was not the best kid growing up, but I have valid excuses. My father abandoned me when I was 3. My mother was in and out of my life and deep within the drug and alcohol lifestyle. I had no stable education, and moved around a lot. I was alone and living on the streets and campgrounds. I developed no friendships. There is much more to this ugly story, but read the papers you can fill in between the lines. These were my "role models". I learned very early on in my life how to lie, cheat, and steal because it was taught to me. The "normal" part of the rest of my family saw me as a child growing up to be worthless. For God sakes, I wasn't even 12 years old yet and I was thrown away as worthless? I had no idea what a "normal" person was supposed to be. I had no idea at the time how important honor, self respect, honesty, and morals were to a human being.

By the grace of God, I ended up finally living with my grandma and grandpa, whom many would consider "normal". This confused the hell out of this wild 12 year old kid coming from where I come from. What was wrong with these people? They had to deal with a 12 year old child already dependent on drugs and alcohol, cussing like a sailor, unclean, troublemaker, and alone. The loved me anyway. Within a short amount of time, it became clear to me that I was not the "normal" one and I needed to change. I didn't have to change, because it is much easier to be irresponsible than responsible. I made a CHOICE to change.

Thirty years later, I am now 42 years old. I am a highly trusted employee working in a very prominent position of authority and trust. I am 20 years sober from drugs and alcohol. I have hundreds of friends. I have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. I am capable of maintaining respectable relationships. I have trust, honor, respect, admiration, morals, love from my peers. But, something is still missing......

Where is my family? My father wants nothing to do with me, even though I have made several attempts. He wants nothing to do with his granddaughter, not even a picture (What could she have possibly done?). Regrettably the woman I adored the most, my grandma, passed away. My Aunt, Uncle, Cousins avoid me like the plague. I grew up with them when I went to live with my grandma, they seemed to love me when I was with my grandma, what happened? My sister is nowhere to be found.

I was the FIRST in the family to graduate high school. I am one of the few in the family drug and alcohol free. I do not have multiple divorces, or jail time under my belt. I am a good, solid, stable man. I do not lie, cheat, or steal. I am no longer the "worthless" child I once was. I am a man now, a man who learned painful life lessons and used the knowledge to create his own set of morals. I know who I was, and I know how hard I worked to break the chain of violence, pain, drugs, alcohol, so I could go forth to give my child the best chance in life she could ever receive. I find what I do to be commendable, but I am tired of patting my own self on the back, I am missing something. Where is my family? Why am I the black sheep of the family? Why do I care? I am alone.

I have lived the past 30 years trying to prove to anonymous people that I am not worthless. I have proven it to myself, but I am still this 12 year old kid inside looking for a dad to say "I am proud of you", or an uncle to say "My nephew is....", or a Cousin to say "Way to go, cuz...." I was a child, and had no choice in the decisions made for me. What is wrong with people? Do they think if they ignore me and pretend I never existed that I will go away? What is wrong with me that I am longing for their acceptance? Why can I not just accept that I am my own family, and must start from this point forward?

This life is so hard to live without having "someone" in your life you can go to when you are having a problem, or to share good news with. I have to find out on the internet when someone in my family dies, gets married, has a baby. They know I am searching for them, yet they ignore me.

I do not want to die and not be welcome in the "family plot", whether or not I choose to. I have earned it, I have proven myself. I promise to God that I would never do this to my daughter, under any circumstance, she will ALWAYS be welcome in my family. I am starting to believe that I am the ONLY "normal" one that was in that family after all, they are so cruel.

I love you Madison...
I love you Grandma (R.I.P.)and Grandpa...
I love you Missy (R.I.P.)
I love you Eddie (R.I.P.)
I love you Greg (R.I.P.)
I love you Alena, Kenny, and Aubry

Serenity Prayer

2009-06-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can...
And wisdom to know the difference.

Virtues

2009-06-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

Assertiveness

Being assertive means being positive and confident. You are aware that you are a worthy person with your own special gifts. You think for yourself and express your own ideas. You know what you stand for and what you won’t stand for. You expect respect.

Caring
Caring is giving love and attention to people and things that matter to you. When you care about people, you help them. You do a careful job, giving your very best effort. You treat people and things gently and respectfully. Caring makes the world a safer place.

Cleanliness
Cleanliness means washing often, keeping your body clean, and wearing clean clothes. It is putting into your body and your mind only the things that keep you healthy. It is staying free from harmful drugs. It is cleaning up mistakes and making a fresh start.

Commitment
Commitment is caring deeply about something or someone. It is deciding carefully what you want to do, then giving it 100%, holding nothing back. You give your all to a friendship, a task, or something you believe in. You finish what you start. You keep your promises.

Compassion
Compassion is understanding and caring when someone is hurt or troubled, even if you don’t know them. It is wanting to help, even if all you can do is listen and say kind words. You forgive mistakes. You are a friend when someone needs a friend.

Confidence
Confidence is having faith in someone. Self-confidence is trusting that you have what it takes to handle whatever happens. You feel sure of yourself and enjoy trying new things, without letting doubts or fears hold you back. When you have confidence in others, you rely on them.

Consideration
Consideration is being thoughtful of other people and their feelings. You consider how your actions affect them. You pay careful attention to what others like and don’t like, and do things that give them happiness.

Cooperation
Cooperation is working together and sharing the load. When we cooperate, we join with others to do things that cannot be done alone. We are willing to follow the rules which keep everyone safe and happy. Together we can accomplish great things.

Courage
Courage is bravery in the face of fear. You do the right thing even when it is hard or scary. When you are courageous, you don’t give up. You try new things. You admit mistakes. Courage is the strength in your heart.

Courtesy
Courtesy is being polite and having good manners. When you speak and act courteously, you give others a feeling of being valued and respected. Greet people pleasantly. Bring courtesy home. Your family needs it most of all. Courtesy helps life to go smoothly.

Creativity
Creativity is the power of imagination. It is discovering your own special talents. Dare to see things in new ways and find different ways to solve problems. With your creativity, you can bring something new into the world.

Detachment
Detachment is experiencing your feelings without allowing your feelings to control you. Instead of just reacting, with detachment you are free to choose how you will act. You use thinking and feeling together, so you can make smart choices.

Determination
You focus your energy and efforts on a task and stick with it until it is finished. Determination is using your will power to do something when it isn't easy. You are determined to meet your goals even when it is hard or you are being tested. With determination we make our dreams come true.

Diligence
Diligence is working hard and doing your absolute best. You take special care by doing things step by step. Diligence helps you to get things done with excellence and enthusiasm. Diligence leads to success.

Enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is being cheerful, happy, and full of spirit. It is doing something wholeheartedly and eagerly. When you are enthusiastic, you have a positive attitude. Enthusiasm is being inspired.

Excellence
Excellence is doing your best, giving careful attention to every task and every relationship. Excellence is effort guided by a noble purpose. It is a desire for perfection. The perfection of a seed comes in the fruit. When you practice excellence, you bring your gifts to fruition. Excellence is the key to success.

Flexibility
Flexibility is being open to change. You consider others’ ideas and feelings and don’t insist on your own way. Flexibility gives you creative new ways to get things done. You get rid of bad habits and learn new ones. Flexibility helps you to keep changing for the better.

Forgiveness
Being forgiving is giving someone another chance after they have done something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of revenge, make amends. Forgive yourself too. Instead of feeling hopeless after a mistake, decide to act differently, and have faith that you can change.

Friendliness
Friendliness is being a friend, through good times and bad. You take an interest in other people and make them feel welcome. You share your belongings, your time and yourself. Friendliness is the best cure for loneliness.

Generosity
Generosity is giving and sharing. You share freely, not with the idea of receiving something in return. You find ways to give others happiness, and give just for the joy of giving. Generosity is one of the best ways to show love and friendship.

Gentleness
Gentleness is moving wisely, touching softly, holding carefully, speaking quietly and thinking kindly. When you feel mad or hurt, use your self-control. Instead of harming someone, talk things out peacefully. You are making the world a safer, gentler place.

Helpfulness
Helpfulness is being of service to others, doing thoughtful things that make a difference in their lives. Offer your help without waiting to be asked. Ask for help when you need it. When we help each other, we get more done. We make our lives easier.

Honesty
Honesty is being truthful and sincere. It is important because it builds trust. When people are honest, they can be relied on not to lie, cheat or steal. Being honest means that you accept yourself as you are. When you are open and trustworthy, others can believe in you.

Honor
Honor is living by the virtues, showing great respect for yourself, other people, and the rules you live by. When you are honorable, you keep your word. You do the right thing regardless of what others are doing. Honor is a path of integrity.

Humility
Being humble is considering others as important as yourself. You are thoughtful of their needs and willing to be of service. You don’t expect others or yourself to be perfect. You learn from your mistakes. When you do great things, humility reminds you to be thankful instead of boastful.

Idealism
When you have ideals, you really care about what is right and meaningful in life. You follow your beliefs. You don’t just accept things the way they are. You make a difference. Idealists dare to have big dreams and then act as if they are possible.

Integrity
Integrity is living by your highest values. It is being honest and sincere. Integrity helps you to listen to your conscience, to do the right thing, and to tell the truth. You act with intregity when your words and actions match. Integrity gives you self-respect and a peaceful heart.

Joyfulness
Joyfulness is an inner sense of peace and happiness. You appreciate the gifts each day brings. Without joyfulness, when the fun stops, our happiness stops. Joy can carry us through the hard times even when we are feeling very sad. Joy gives us wings.

Justice
Practicing justice is being fair. It is solving problems so everyone wins. You don’t prejudge. You see people as individuals. You don’t accept it when someone acts like a bully, cheats or lies. Being a champion for justice takes courage. Sometimes when you stand for justice, you stand alone.

Kindness
Kindness is showing you care, doing some good to make life better for others. Be thoughtful about people’s needs. Show love and compassion to someone who is sad or needs your help. When you are tempted to be cruel, to criticize or tease, decide to be kind instead.

Love
Love is a special feeling that fills your heart. You show love in a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful act or a hug. Love is treating people and things with care and kindness because they mean so much to you. Love is contagious. It keeps spreading.

Loyalty
Loyalty is staying true to someone. It is standing up for something you believe in without wavering. It is being faithful to your family, country, school, friends or ideals, when the going gets tough as well as when things are good. With loyalty, you build relationships that last forever.

Moderation
Moderation is creating a healthy balance in your life between work and play, rest and exercise. You don’t overdo or get swept away by the things you like. You use your self-discipline to take charge of your life and your time.

Modesty
Modesty is having self-respect. When you value yourself with quiet pride, you accept praise with humility and gratitude. Modesty is being comfortable with yourself and setting healthy boundaries about your body and your privacy.

Orderliness
Orderliness is being neat and living with a sense of harmony. You are organized, and you know where things are when you need them. Solve problems step by step instead of going in circles. Order around you creates order inside you. It gives you peace of mind.

Patience
Patience is quiet hope and trust that things will turn out right. You wait without complaining. You are tolerant and accepting of difficulties and mistakes. You picture the end in the beginning and persevere to meet your goals. Patience is a commitment to the future.

Peacefulness
Peacefulness is being calm inside. Take time for daily reflection and gratitude. Solve conflicts so everyone wins. Be a peacemaker. Peace is giving up the love of power for the power of love. Peace in the world begins with peace in your heart.

Perseverance
Perseverance is being steadfast and persistent. You commit to your goals and overcome obstacles, no matter how long it takes. When you persevere, you don't give up...you keep going. Like a strong ship in a storm, you don't become battered or blown off course. You just ride the waves.

Purposefulness
Being purposeful is having a clear focus. Begin with a vision for what you want to accomplish, and concentrate on your goals. Do one thing at a time, without scattering your energies. Some people let things happen. When you are purposeful, you make things happen.

Reliability
Reliability means that others can depend on you. You keep your commitments and give your best to every job. You are responsible. You don’t forget, and you don’t need to be reminded. Other people can relax knowing things are in your reliable hands.

Respect
We show respect by speaking and acting with courtesy. We treat others with dignity and honor the rules of our family, school and nation. Respect yourself, and others will respect you.

Responsibility
Being responsible means others can trust you to do things with excellence. You accept accountability for your actions. When you make a mistake, you offer amends instead of excuses. Responsibility is the ability to respond ably and to make smart choices.

Self-discipline
Self-discipline means self-control. It is doing what you really want to do, rather than being tossed around by your feelings like a leaf in the wind. You act instead of react. You get things done in an orderly and efficient way. With self-discipline, you take charge of yourself.

Service
Service is giving to others, making a difference in their lives. You consider their needs as important as your own. Be helpful without waiting to be asked. Do every job with excellence. When you act with a spirit of service, you can change the world.

Tact
Tact is telling the truth kindly, considerate of how your words affect others’ feelings. Think before you speak, knowing what is better left unsaid. When you are tactful, others find it easier to hear what you have to say. Tact builds bridges.

Thankfulness
Thankfulness is being grateful for what we have. It is an attitude of gratitude for learning, loving and being. Appreciate the little things that happen around you and within you every day. Think positively. Thankfulness brings contentment.

Tolerance
Being tolerant is accepting differences. You don’t expect others to think, look, speak or act just like you. You are free of prejudice, knowing that all people have feelings, needs, hopes and dreams. Tolerance is also accepting things you wish were different with patience and flexibility.

Trust
Trust is having faith in someone or something. It is a positive attitude about life. You are confident that the right thing will happen without trying to control it or make it happen. Even when difficult things happen, trust helps us to find the gift or lesson in it.

Trustworthiness
Trustworthiness is being worthy of trust. People can count on you to do your best, to keep your word and to follow through on your commitments. You do what you say you will do. Trustworthiness is a key to success in anything you do.

Truthfulness
Truthfulness is being honest in your words and actions. You don’t tell lies even to defend yourself. Don’t listen to gossip or prejudice. See the truth for yourself. Don’t try to be more than you are to impress others. Be yourself, your true self.

Understanding
Understanding is using your mind to think clearly, paying careful attention to see the meaning of things. An understanding mind gives you insights and wonderful ideas. An understanding heart gives you empathy and compassion for others. Understanding is the power to think and learn and also to care.

Unity
Unity helps us work and live together peacefully. We feel connected with each other and all living things. We value the specialness of each person as a gift, not as a reason to fight or be scared. With unity we accomplish more together than any of one of us could alone.

I am tired of being an Asshole!

2007-11-20T19:28:00.001-08:00

My rant is about man-haters!!!

Although admittedly embarassing to admit in front of other men... here goes!
Here's my rant... Although I may be rare
*I have feelings
*I willingly do my fair share of cooking.
*I willingly do my fair share of dishes.
*I willingly do my fair share of laundry.
*I cry.
*I am capable of love.
*I have a full time job and career.
*I assist in providing a secure, stable, safe home for girlfriend and our children.
*I am clean.
*I do not drink alcohol. (I am an alcoholic with 20 years sobriety)
*I do not do drugs.
*Ok, I do smoke cigarettes and she doesn't but is my only vice.
*I would protect my family.
*I am not weak.
*I am passionate.
*I love hugs, kisses, and snuggles too...
*I need to know my girlfriend loves me just as often as she needs to know.
*I want what my girlfriend wants in a relationship.
*I need committment.
*I am a kind, considerate, compassionate, passionate, loving, devoted family man who puts his immediate family under our roof above all others...

I am so frustrated because when a man's opinion is brought into a converstation around women, their family, and fellow man-haters... immediately they cut any opinion I have as "He's just an asshole", "Men are stupid", "Men are only in it for one thing" etc... or I am being called cold, unloving, manipulative, unsupportive, cheater, liar, old-fashioned, out of touch, unrealistic, chauvanistic, controlling, etc... (Insert your own man-hating comment here)....

It's not funny anymore!!!! I am sick and tired of being discriminated against because I am a MAN!!!! I am a good man. I am proud of who I have become as a MAN. I am worthy of love, respect, honesty, and committment.

Men have feelings too, and when we are upset it is not because we are stupid, or playing games, or we don't understand, or we have an altered sense of reality... But women can use many things as excuses for their behavior (pcos, pms, hormones, estrogen, bad relationships, bad childhoods, bad marriages, etc...) and it accepted and condoned by society.... I had a crappy, abusive, childhood. I had a crappy marriage. I deal with pcos, pms, hormones, estrogen, bad relationships, bad childhoods, bad marriages, etc.. and feeling as though I am unworthy of a life of happiness because of being a MAN... I am sometimes ashamed and embarrassed to be a man.

Where is my license and valid excuse to "be an asshole"? Where is my license to "Feel"?Having an illness or any other reason is NO EXCUSE for being mean, defamatory, demeaning, to another human being. I say, "Treat others as you want to be treated"..... Unless you are a man, don't bother... you are just an asshole!

I am the Best Dad in the world, my daughter said so...

2007-10-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Man, I remember when I first found out I was going to be a dad.... I WAS SCARED!!! You see, I was told all my life I was unable to conceive a child, and here I was 36 years old and found out I was going to be a dad!!! I was going through emotions of feeling "Am I too old?" "Will my daughter have a good life with an old dad?" "Can I be a good dad?". "Will she love me?" "Will she want to be around me?" "Will I embarass her?" All this came from my own childhood. I have been on my own since I was 12 years old, running away from abuse. I had no positive role models, and was so afraid I was not going to be able to give her all that she needs. I am an alcoholic with 18 years sober and have lived my life to break the chain, and have been given graciously the opportunity to continue that path with my daughter.

Boy, was I ever so wrong!!!! I have never in my life felt so much love to give to someone, or receive!!! Every single waking moment I have, she is on my mind and in my heart and I FEEL I am on hers also...

I LOVE BEING A DAD! I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!!! And regardless of how bad I trashed myself, I believe I am the BEST DAD IN THE WORLD!!!! Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying other dad's are not good dads, but my daughter gives me the strength and let's me know in her smiles, hugs, and kisses that I am doing a good job and I FEEL like I am the BEST DAD IN THE WORLD...

God blessed me, and for that, I am grateful!!!